Case study
A student in my learning team lost her mother in a previous academic year. She tells this in a personal conversation. She plans to tell this to the learning team soon. She says she regularly feels so tired and sad and that she does not get around to her studies. How can I support and guide her?
What is mourning?
Officially, mourning is defined as being sad, especially because of a death, or feeling sad (Van Dale). But mourning is more than that. You can see mourning as the totality of feelings, thoughts and behaviour that arises from the permanent loss of something or someone dear (Fiddelaers-Jaspers).
This means that mourning therefore need not only be about death. Think of mourning for the divorce of parents, for loss of health, work or friendships. Grieving is about something you were attached to, that is no longer there and will not return. Grieving is often about loss, pain and grief over what is irreversible.
Extra information
Depending on the intensity of the grief, a person’s life gets disrupted. The more intense the loss, the more intense the grief. Grief affects all aspects of life. It can manifest itself in countless ways: in fatigue, poor sleep, difficulty concentrating, sadness, physical complaints, depression, anxiety, anger, confusion, headaches, loss of appetite or just eating a lot and much more.
All these symptoms are normal, and the result of a healthy grieving process. It is an expression of love that can no longer find a way to that which is lost, and was dear.
Do complaints persist for too long? Do they hinder daily functioning?
If so, help can be sought with a professional specialising in grief. In doing so, it is important that there is a ‘click’ with the person helping.
How can you support mourning as a counsellor?
DOs!
- Inquire how the student wants to be supported.
Everyone grieves in their own way. As a counsellor, it is important to know what is important to the student and how he or she would like to be supported. Ask about that. Let the student tell you what works and keep that in mind. Ask if you can make suggestions and what questions the student likes to answer/be asked. - Check the need for regular contact.
Should the student feel the need to share their story, give space for this. Check, for instance, whether it is nice to have a one-to-one conversation from time to time. Or is there (also) a need to talk to a counsellor, dean or student psychologist. - Keep a finger on the pulse, even later in time.
Grief is not time-related. It can fade into the background for a while and suddenly reappear in its full extent with the student. Even after years, or if the loss occurred in childhood.
Follow-up case study
I enlisted the help of an attention officer experienced in grief as a supervisor. Regular meetings were held with this colleague to discuss options for counselling this student. The student was given plenty of space in the learning team. Later in the academic year, she was put in touch with a dean. The student was also advised to seek professional help privately after she got stuck several times. Regularly, we had brief conversations about how things were going.
Extra information
See the Student Support Centre (SSC) of the HU. Workshops are also offered here for students who have suffered loss and need to engage with other students.
Podcast series ‘What are you mourning me for!’ for and by young people in grief. This podcast does so far only deal with bereavement through death and can be found on Spotify, Apple podcasts and Google podcasts
Additional support for the teacher: see the harvest dialogue link in the appendix . This contains tips, do’s and dont’s for the professional dealing with grief and loss in young people.