Case study
Anne sends an email to her teacher. She is troubled by something and would like a conversation. The teacher is happy to make time, but is also curious to know what the conversation is about. Is it something personal? A complaint about the lesson? A struggle with collaboration in a project? The teacher e-mails back asking what the conversation is about. Anne then e-mails that she would prefer to explain it in person.
What do we mean by conversation?”
A conversation is an exchange between two or more people involving both the content of what is said, choice of words, intonation, and non-verbal communication. It is thus a vast subject. Nevertheless, there are some skills that form the basis of all forms of conversation for facilitators. Both conversations in groups and individually, both in conversations about career guidance, coaching, about personal problems, bad-news conversations and feedback conversations about tests.
Principles of conversation
There are a number of principles to make any conversation run more smoothly, both in the relationship between tutors and students, and professionals among themselves.
Iceberg
An iceberg is a well-known metaphor in conversations. It means that the content is visible above the water, but there is a lot hanging around that is invisible that you could sail into cardously.
In general, the layers (underwater) can be grouped into:
- Information about the process.
- The relationship between interlocutors.
- Emotions among interlocutors.
- Content
In the iceberg metaphor, much is underwater because we tend to ignore it. We like to start and end at the content (the 4th layer). However, in any conversation, all these layers are present that you can talk about.
Extra information
Be aware of the context of a conversation. Prepare well and think about the following beforehand:
What goals and expectations do you have from the conversation?
What relationship do you have in the conversation?
What roles do you have in the conversation?
Even if a conversation is ad hoc, it can be good to reflect on these in ‘three breaths’ before you enter the conversation.
Stop thinking about the process before you start on the content.
DOs!
- Discuss location and duration
Establish in the process how long and where the conversation will take place. This is about expectation management. Suppose the student has an emotional story but the supervisor/coach has only 15 minutes. It is nice for the student to know – in tears or not – that the tutor really has to go to another appointment. If this is not clear beforehand, it can be uncomfortable. - Planning conversation
The student asks for feedback on homework. But as a tutor, you may not want to schedule a meeting for that, but give the feedback during lessons. - Designate the relationship
How are you in the conversation? As a coach or as a teacher? Is it a confidential conversation? Naming the relationship helps create a safe setting. It is clearer what can be said, and what reactions can be expected.
Summarising
Clarifying the process (place/duration, agenda, outcomes) and the relationship beforehand, creates clarity. A facilitator can refer to this during the conversation. It also helps when choosing a location. Some conversations can take place walking, others are more suitable for behind closed doors.
DO! Name emotions
The conversation may still go differently than expected. Perhaps the content evokes emotions in you, or in the student. This can be part of the conversation content, or distract from it. Give space to this. Name what you see, what you yourself feel, or ask about it directly. There is often a taboo on emotions like anger and crying. Naming emotions helps to keep the conversation on track and talk about what it is really about. Experiences of indignation, disappointment, sadness, insecurity and stress are not really met with a substantive response.
How can you support as a facilitator?
There are three basic skills that keep a conversation moving: listening, summarising, asking through.
Listening can be both verbal and non-verbal.
It often helps to drop a silence. This makes it possible to finish thoughts. An interlocutor then experiences more space to tell the story. A questioning look, an open attitude, and sometimes repeating words, encourages someone to tell (further).
Summarising helps to:
- Hold on to the thread.
- Check whether all interlocutors still think the same thing is important.
- Check whether it is still about the same thing.
- Keep control of the conversation
You can summarise the content, but also the levels of the iceberg:
*The relationship
‘You’re actually asking me if I want to give you private lessons?’
* The process
‘We won’t get all those questions answered today, let’s first…’
* Emotions
‘By your facial expression and the tone in which you speak, I suspect you’re quite upset about it.’
In a more coaching role, summarising can also help make connections that the student may not have seen for themselves.
(Asking) questions offers many possibilities:
You can ask probing open questions, control questions, broadening questions, guiding questions, asking for overarching goals, for insights and connections. In principle, there are no right or wrong questions. It depends on the purpose and context of the conversation.
DON’TS
- A general pitfall is to make too many assumptions.
- Don’t ask closed or leading questions.
- Avoid ‘difficult questions’, such as about emotions, as well as ‘Do you think I fall short as a teacher?’
- Adhering too rigidly to content and wanting to reach quick conclusions. This often leads to awkward and unsatisfactory conversations. They are likely to be unproductive, the topic will come back repeatedly or increase problems.